My part in the Jockalypse

I’m dangerous, and I know it: I’ve just voted. And not for one of The Approved Parties.

No, I voted for the Scottish National Party candidate, Stephen Paterson. He’s the only one who can realistically defeat the candidate from the largest of The Approved Parties.

If the numbers work out as they might, and Ed Miliband realises that he needs the SNP if he wants to be Prime Minister, things will change across the UK. Since I come from Jockland, I thought I should warn you of some of the Jockification that will be happening, starting from tomorrow. You’ve still got time to run to the shops and prepare.

For a start, everyone will have to have porridge for breakfast. No, not with sugar. A healthy breakfast is important, especially considering what the rest of your day is going to be like.

Mid-morning coffee? Only if you’re eating half a packet of shortbread with it.

Your organic lettuce and hummus lunchtime sandwich will be no more. Pies. That’s what you’ll be eating. And depending on the time of year, you’ll be doing so outside. “Ah. At least we’ll be outside!” I hear you say, “In the sunshine - how lovely!” No: it’s outside in the winter, and inside in the summer. How else are you going to keep your skin pale and your vitamin D at an unhealthily low level?

Late afternoon you’ll be allowed a Tunnock’s tea cake, or maybe, on a Friday, a Caramel Wafer (put the last of those organic oatmeal biscuits in the dog bowl – it’ll be appreciated, honest). Tea will need at least two spoons of sugar.

Dinner time? If it’s not been fried, don’t eat it.

Before bed, you’re allowed a snack and a drink. Something like a deep friend Mars bar, washed down with Irn Bru.

See, Jockalypse isn’t so bad. Honestly, you’ll get used to it...

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Or maybe, things will be rather more mundane, and the SNP will do as it has done governing Scotland for the last few years, and be very competent, work towards a more just society, and engage with people. Not everything they do is perfect by any means: I’m a member of the Greens and have plenty to say about how they really need to buck up their ideas on a whole host of issues, including renewables, living wage, NATO and so on – but they listen, and that’s more than can be said about most of The Approved Parties.

(If you want more sober comment from me on contemporary affairs, take a look at my website In The Public Sphere, and for a blog about The Approved Parties, clickhere.

* More on the issues in the 2015 General Election from Ekklesia: http://www.ekklesia.co.uk/generalelection2015

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© Michael Marten is an associate and board member of Ekklesia. He is Religious Programme Director at the Critical Religion Research Group at the University of Stirling, and lecturer in postcolonial studies.